How can parents avoid arguments about cannabis?

Cannabis is an ongoing topic in many families that escalates quickly. A suspicion is enough, and reproaches start flying around the kitchen. Arguments rarely arise only because of the substance. Often fear lies behind them, and sometimes it comes down to parents holding different ideas. Anyone who wants to reduce the arguments should start by looking at their own attitude and the everyday rules, and leave aside the question of who is right.

Why arguments arise so quickly

Parents are afraid for their child, and fear makes people loud. Anyone who worries often responds with control or punishment, and the child responds with defence. The federal recommendations for parents name reflecting on your own attitude as the first step. A conversation led out of fear often sounds like a reproach, even when it is well meant.

In addition, parents sometimes disagree on the question. One is strict, the other allows more. Then arguments about who is right arise easily. A clear shared line helps to limit this.

Finding a shared attitude

Sit down together without the child and clarify what matters to you. What limits should there be? What happens if a limit is crossed? Who speaks with the child? These questions do not have to be answered perfectly. They should still be settled beforehand, so that you do not work against each other in a real situation.

It helps to set goals together and write them down. The method is simple: each person notes what they wish for the child, and you look for the overlap. Written agreements are more binding than a mood in the evening.

Staying calm, even in the moment

The BIÖG recommendations for parents put it briefly: “Stay calm when your child has experiences with cannabis use.” Staying calm does not mean the topic is unimportant to you. It means that in that moment you respond without reproaches, and that you still care about the topic. You postpone the conversation until later, when both of you are calm again.

The BIÖG advises describing your own feelings briefly and clearly, without reproaches or insults, for example anger, disappointment and worry. If you can no longer control yourself, leave the room and bring the topic up again later.

Listening before you judge

Arguments decrease when both sides are heard. The federal recommendations rely on interest and dispense with moral lectures. Ask what your child likes about the use, what burdens them and what they wish for. Behind an argument there is often another conflict, such as pressure at school or trouble in the circle of friends.

Avoid generalisations such as “You always do the same thing.” Describe what you specifically noticed, and ask how your child sees it. This way of speaking prevents the conversation from turning into an accusation.

Clear rules that both parents support

Rules reduce arguments because they are predictable. They include fixed times, agreements about going out and consequences that are known in advance. Make sure the consequence fits the behaviour. According to the BIÖG, physical violence and threats are not a suitable consequence, because they damage the relationship and make the situation worse. A threat you cannot enforce undermines every further agreement.

• A few rules that you can both enforce
• A fixed time for conversations about school and leisure
• Consequences that were named in advance
• One shared sentence that both parents represent to outsiders

The legal limits form a fixed framework. Use in the immediate presence of persons under 18 is prohibited (section 5(1) of the Cannabis Act (KCanG)), and cannabis must be protected from access by children and young people through suitable measures (section 10 KCanG). You do not need to argue again about these rules. You only need to clarify how to put them into practice day to day.

When you cannot agree

Some parents are separated or live in different households. Then the conflict also requires coordination across the households. One possible step is to agree on a few minimum rules that apply in both homes. Everything else can be set by each household for itself.

If the argument has become stuck, a neutral person can help. Advice centres offer conversations for parents, and they can help sort out positions. According to the BIÖG, going to an addiction advice centre shows that parents take their child's upbringing seriously.

When help is needed

If the mood in the family stays tense for a long time, if the child withdraws or if violence is involved, you should get support. The parents' helpline of Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550. The Sucht & Drogen Hotline has the number 01806 313031. In an acute danger to you or your child, immediate help counts.

What you can do today

• Arrange a calm appointment with your partner, without the child.
• Write down three shared goals and two rules you both support.
• Agree how you argue: no reproaches in front of the child, breaks when things escalate.
• Get advice if you are going round in circles.

Arguments can be limited even where they cannot always be avoided. Parents who have a shared line, calm conversations and clear rules stay able to act even after setbacks. Background on a shared attitude is in Should parents agree on cannabis?. How can you avoid downplaying or dramatising cannabis? That is covered in How can you avoid downplaying or dramatising cannabis?

For family rules, Which rules make sense for families where cannabis is involved? is a good fit. A conversation guide is in How do parents raise the topic of cannabis properly?. Further advice services are listed in Where can parents get advice on cannabis?.