Should parents agree on cannabis?

Parents should agree on a shared line on cannabis. Both parents need not think alike on every point. What matters is that they set a few clear rules that apply equally to the child. Children quickly notice where a rule applies to only one parent, and they use that gap.

Why differing rules are difficult

If one parent allows use in the flat and the other does not, a child does not know where it stands. It then asks the parent who is more relaxed about the rule. That is a natural reaction to contradictory signals. A shared line takes this pressure away, because the answer to a question is always the same.

A shared stance also means that both parents use the same terms. If one says “Cannabis is not that bad” and the other says “It is dangerous”, confusion results. A sentence both can agree on works better, for example: cannabis is risky for young people, and different rules apply to adults.

What the law sets out

Part of the stance is already set by law. Adults aged 18 and over may hold 25 grams of cannabis for personal use (section 3(1) KCanG). This does not apply to children and young people. In addition, there are limits that every parent should know:

• Consumption in the immediate presence of under-18s is prohibited (section 5(1) KCanG).
• Public consumption is prohibited, among other places, in schools, on children's playgrounds, in children's and youth facilities and in publicly accessible sports facilities, in each case also within their line of sight (section 5(2) KCanG).
• Under the law, the line of sight ends at a distance of more than 100 metres from the entrance area of these facilities (section 5(2) sentence 2 KCanG).
• Public consumption in pedestrian zones is prohibited between 7 a.m. and 8 p.m. (section 5(2) no. 5 KCanG).
• Cannabis and propagation material must be protected at the place of residence against access by third parties, in particular children and young people, through suitable measures and safety precautions (section 10 KCanG).

These points are a good basis for the shared conversation. What goes beyond them is for the parents to decide. This includes, for example, whether use happens in the flat at all when children are in the house.

What parents should agree on

A workable line answers four questions. Recorded in writing, it helps in stressful situations:

1. Use in the household: Are there places or times when no use takes place? Where are cannabis products stored so that children cannot reach them?
2. Dealings with friends: May the child's friends be at home when adults have cannabis with them?
3. Response to conspicuous behaviour: From which signs do both parents raise the topic, and who takes over the conversation?
4. Where help is available: Which counselling centre does the family use if questions remain open?

The prevention page for parents offers arguments and practical tips on this. Among other things, it advises taking a clear stance and declaring the home a cannabis-free zone. These are a starting point if the parents want to agree on a shared text.

When parents do not agree

Parents who disagree should not argue in front of the child. Children feel tensions even when they do not understand the content. A better way:

• A conversation without the child, with a list of the disputed points.
• For each point, a rule that both consider workable, even if it is not one parent's favourite.
• A fixed review after a few weeks to see whether the rule works in everyday life.
• Counselling if the discussion keeps going round in circles. The Elterntelefon of Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550.

An agreement does not have to be perfect. It has to be reliable, so that the child knows where it stands.

Separated parents and blended families

The shared line also applies when parents live apart. That is often harder, because there is little contact. What matters then is a short, fixed exchange about the most important rules. A separate article in the guide describes this: Does a shared approach also apply to separated parents?

Prevention begins with a clear stance

A uniform stance is a prevention tool. It shows the child that cannabis is not a topic to be discussed in secret. Anyone who talks openly about rules makes it easier for the child to speak up, even when something goes wrong. A shared line also makes clear that the child can come home with questions. The BIÖG points out that the risks of cannabis are particularly high for young people, because the young brain is in an important stage of development. More arguments are in the articles of the parents section, for example Which rules make sense for families with cannabis?

Examples of shared sentences

A shared line becomes easier when both parents use the same sentences. A few examples that are clear and honest:

• “At home, no one uses when children are around. That applies to everyone.”
• “Adults have different rules from you. In return, our rules for you are clear.”
• “If something goes wrong, you can come to us. We will not start shouting straight away.”

It matters that both parents repeat these sentences, even when the other is not present. Check the sentences regularly as well, and you will notice sooner when a stance shifts.

Typical areas of conflict

Parents often argue about pocket money, time in the evenings and dealings with friends. When cannabis plays a part, it is worth separating a rule from the question of trust. A child who asks for permission gets a clear answer. A child who does something secretly needs a conversation about the reason. Both cases call for different reactions, and both parents should agree on this beforehand.

What you can do now

1. Write down the five most important rules together, and each parent signs.
2. Discuss what you tell the child when it asks about the rules.
3. Decide who starts the conversation when there are conspicuous signs.
4. Get counselling if you cannot agree or are unsure.

The overview of the legal foundations under Youth protection helps if you want to check the rules.