How do I build trust so my child opens up?

You build trust by showing genuine interest in everyday life, listening before you judge, and combining clear rules with warmth. Many parents hope their child will tell them when they try cannabis or use it regularly. That rarely happens on demand. Trust is something that grows over years in everyday life. Anyone who takes a child seriously in small matters is more likely to hear about the big ones later. Anyone who judges every topic straight away is the last to hear about things when it matters.

Why children stay silent about use

Children stay silent for very different reasons, for example out of fear of trouble, disappointment or punishment. Some do not want to burden their parents. Others feel they will not be understood anyway. This silence is understandable, and it is exactly what prevents trust. A child who hides things cannot accept help when they need it.

The federal cannabis prevention programme (Cannabisprävention des Bundes) points out that parents should first question their own attitude. If you want to talk with your child about cannabis, it is worth reflecting calmly on your own behaviour beforehand. What is your own attitude to alcohol, tobacco and medication? What message do you already send through your everyday life? Children pay very close attention to contradictions.

Listening is the most important step

Listening means letting your child finish before you judge or bring counterarguments. The federal recommendations name signalling your own interest to the child as the basis. This works with very simple questions: What has been on your mind today? Who was there? How was it for you? Such questions stay open and do not force your child into a confession.

Pay attention to what is not said as well. A child who evades a question is not automatically caught up in use. They may simply be afraid that you will overreact. If you accept an evasive answer calmly and ask again later, your child notices that the door remains open.

Avoid judging and evaluating too quickly

Avoid moral lectures and do not judge in sweeping terms. Sentences such as “Typical, you only have nonsense in your head” usually end a conversation before it starts. It is better to describe concretely what you have noticed and ask for your child's view: “I've noticed that you're sleeping less. How do you see it?”

It is also important to name feelings without evaluating them. If your child becomes angry, they are allowed to be angry. You do not have to agree. You can, however, say that you understand their anger and still stay with your concern.

Clarity in rules, warmth in the relationship

Trust and rules do not rule each other out. The recommendations for parents name a consistent and clear stance as the foundation. A child needs guidance, even when they act as if they do not need it. What matters is that rules are known in advance, suit your child, and that you keep them even when it becomes uncomfortable.

• Explain why a rule applies, and do not only state prohibitions.
• Let your child make suggestions and take them seriously where it fits.
• Keep your promises, including your own.
• Avoid threats you cannot carry out.

The Cannabis Act (KCanG) sets a firm framework. Using cannabis in the immediate presence of people under 18 is prohibited. Possession, acquisition and cultivation remain prohibited for minors. You do not have to negotiate these rules. You can, however, talk about what they mean for your everyday life.

When trust is missing

Sometimes the relationship is already strained before the subject of cannabis comes up at all. In that case it helps to work on the relationship first: shared time and small signs of respect. If that is not enough, a neutral person can help by mediating the conversation.

Parents can also seek help. The Sucht & Drogen Hotline can be reached on 01806 313031, and calls are charged. The Elterntelefon (parent phone line) of Nummer gegen Kummer has the number 0800 111 0 550 and is anonymous and free of charge. Both services can help you organise your own questions before you have the conversation with your child.

What you can do today

• Spend undisturbed time with your child every week, without a topic.
• Ask about interests, friendships and plans before you talk about use.
• Say explicitly once that your child can talk to you about anything, and keep to it.
• Respond to honest statements calmly, even when they frighten you.

Trust is built up over time. It grows with every conversation in which your child experiences not being judged. The basics for an open conversation are in the guide under How do parents raise the topic of cannabis properly?. What to do when a discovery has shaken trust is explained in What should you do if you find cannabis with your child?.

If you want to stay engaged over the long term, How do parents support a child over a longer period when it comes to cannabis? offers further guidance. An overview of suitable services is available under Where can parents get advice on cannabis?. General information on prevention is in the prevention and youth protection topic area.