How do parents raise the topic of cannabis properly?

Parents are best advised to raise cannabis openly, calmly and without blame. A conversation that listens, states facts and sets clear limits usually opens more doors than a ban without explanation. What matters is that the child notices it can talk to you about everything, including mistakes.

This article shows how such a conversation can be structured, which mistakes often occur and when outside support makes sense.

Choosing the right moment

A conversation about cannabis rarely works when both are in an argument or tired. Choose a calm moment without time pressure, for example over a shared meal or on the way to an activity. The BIÖG advises not to hold the conversation in passing, and not when the atmosphere is already tense.

Do not announce the topic as an interrogation. A sentence such as “I would like to talk to you about something that worries me” is calmer than an accusation. That way the child stays open, and you signal that it is about trust.

Informing factually and showing a stance

Explain factually that cannabis may only be possessed from the age of 18. For minors, section 3 of the Cannabis Act (KCanG) provides no permission to possess, because the age limit only applies from 18. You can read the limits in the law together with your child in the article From what age may one possess cannabis?

Health risks also belong in the conversation. The BIÖG points out that the young brain is in an important stage of development and that use can influence this development. State this as a fact. The child can then better judge why you are worried. The BIÖG also recommends informing yourself about cannabis in advance, showing a consistent and clear stance, setting realistic goals and remaining flexible while doing so.

Listening before judging

The most important part of the conversation is listening. Ask what your child likes about use, what expectations it has and what it copies from friends. Whoever asks these questions honestly usually learns more than from any interrogation.

• What do you like about it, and what matters less to you about it?
• How are you doing with school or training at the moment?
• What would help you if you were worried?

If your child tells you something that hurts or frightens you, do not react with punishment straight away. Thank the child for its honesty and continue calmly. More on the stance in everyday life is in the article Why does listening help more than confrontation?

Avoiding typical mistakes

A common mistake is dramatising. Whoever portrays every use as a catastrophe quickly loses credibility. The opposite is equally problematic: whoever plays cannabis down does not take the risks seriously. Matter-of-factness is the safe way between the two.

A second mistake is two against one. If the parents appear divided, both lose impact. Agree beforehand which position you represent together, even if you think differently about the details.

Agreeing shared rules

Conversations have a more lasting effect when clear agreements stand at the end. These can be rules for evenings, for meetings with friends or for dealing with alcohol. Write the agreements down together and review them after a few weeks. In this way, commitment arises without a power struggle.

An overview of sensible family rules is in the article Which rules make sense for families with cannabis?

When the conversation does not succeed

Sometimes the child shuts down, or the conversation escalates. Then it makes sense to take a break and try again later. That is not failure. If you feel you cannot get any further, a counselling service that accompanies families helps.

In acute dangers, for example if your child seems confused or endangers itself, get help immediately. In an emergency, dial 112. An overview of further help is in the article Where do parents get counselling on cannabis?

Asking questions that lead further

Open questions achieve more than questions that can only be answered with yes or no. Good openings are, for example, these sentences:

• How are you doing with school at the moment?
• What do you think others in your class say about the topic?
• What would help you if you felt unsure about something?

Avoid questions that sound like an interrogation, such as “Have you been smoking again?”. Such questions trigger defensiveness, even if the answer is true. A sentence that shows interest usually opens more.

What to do if the child is silent

Silence is a common reaction. It does not automatically mean the topic is unimportant to the child. Often a child needs time before it dares to speak openly. Announce that you would like to talk about it again later, and keep to that.

If the silence continues and you are worried, a conversation with a counselling service helps. There you can discuss how to keep contact without building up pressure.

Looking honestly at your own use

Children observe how adults deal with recreational substances. If you yourself regularly use cannabis or alcohol, your child perceives the conversation differently. Honesty helps more here than excuses. How to react to the question of whether you have smoked cannabis yourself is explained in the article What to do when the child asks whether the parents have smoked cannabis themselves?

Staying involved after the conversation

A good conversation has an effect when you stay involved afterwards. Arrange an appointment at which you review the agreements together. Whoever asks briefly after a few weeks shows interest and notices changes sooner. Small responses such as “Thank you for telling me” strengthen trust more than you might think.

If nothing changes after the conversation, or the situation worsens, that is an occasion to involve a counselling centre. The child does not have to set itself against you for this.

When the conflict escalates

If a conversation ends in argument, it helps to lower the tone and postpone the topic. Say openly that you feel overwhelmed at the moment, and arrange a new appointment. Conflicts are normal, but they should not lead to the child withdrawing.

Spending time together

Trust often grows through shared activities that have nothing to do with the topic. A walk, a shared meal or a hobby creates opportunities in which conversations arise by themselves.

Where to find support

The BIÖG prevention service offers parents recommendations and background knowledge, which you can find at cannabispraevention.de. You can find a local addiction counselling centre through the addiction support directory (Suchthilfeverzeichnis) of the Deutsche Hauptstelle für Suchtfragen.