How should parents respond to lies about cannabis use?

How should parents respond when their child lies about cannabis? The BIÖG advises parents to stay calm, to describe their own feelings without blame and to remain in conversation. A calm, concrete reaction keeps the conversation open, and clear limits provide the framework. This article explains why children may lie, how to shape the first reaction and what to keep in mind in everyday life.

Why children lie

Lies about cannabis can have many reasons. Some children fear punishment or disappointment. Others want to protect friends or hide their own embarrassment. The feeling that parents would not listen anyway also plays a role.

Behind a lie there can therefore be fear or uncertainty. That does not mean you have to accept it. It does, however, argue for a calm reaction. An interrogation does not help.

The first reaction

Stay calm at first, even when it is hard. Say what you have seen or heard without implying anything. A sentence such as “I saw that you're hiding something” is more concrete than “You're constantly lying to me.”

Give the child the chance to explain. An open question often achieves more than an accusation. If the answer remains evasive, let it stand and come back to it later.

The conversation without interrogation

A conversation works best when it does not feel like a courtroom. Sit down with your child when nobody is under pressure. Avoid time pressure, avoid an audience and avoid threats in advance.

Listen, even when you do not like the answer. The BIÖG recommends showing interest in the child and avoiding moral lectures. Anyone who stays calm creates an atmosphere in which the child can also talk about their problems.

Setting clear limits

Limits are important, but they work best when they are announced and explained in advance. A limit that comes out of nowhere is experienced as arbitrary. Say which rule applies, why it applies and what consequences follow if it is not kept.

Consequences should be proportionate and actually enforced. A threat that never happens weakens parents' credibility.

What does not help

• Dramatising: Exaggeration tends to make children more closed.
• Bans without explanation: The child may not understand the rule.
• Checks without agreement: Anyone who searches belongings without talking first can lose trust (more on this in the article May parents search their child's room?).
• Accusations in front of others: This drives children into defensiveness.

Rebuilding trust

After a lie, trust is hard to restore. It does, however, grow again when parents remain reliable and show the child that honest words do not automatically mean punishment. Praise for honesty can help here, especially when it has taken courage.

Patience matters. Trust does not return overnight. It grows through many small conversations and experiences.

Keeping the legal side in view

Under section 5 of the Cannabis Act (KCanG), use in the immediate presence of minors is prohibited. Passing cannabis on to children and young people is a criminal offence under section 34 KCanG. These rules also apply to parents and to the child's friends.

If you have experience with cannabis yourself, your child notices this. According to the BIÖG, what you tell them about it should be true, and you should not downplay your own use.

When counselling makes sense

If lies become more frequent, withdrawal or drops in performance are added, or you feel you cannot get anywhere, counselling is worthwhile. The Elterntelefon of Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550. For concerns about use, the Sucht und Drogen Hotline helps on 01806 313031.

A local addiction counselling service can help classify the situation together with the family. This is often the next sensible step.

Prevention in the family

The BIÖG recommends staying in conversation, giving trust and jointly setting goals that you record in writing. Teenagers are curious and test boundaries. Often it stays at trying it out, but parents should still take the matter seriously and seek conversation.

Parents should also agree with each other. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, conflicts easily arise, and the child does not experience a clear line.

When behaviour changes over weeks

Individual lies are often a reason for a conversation. If behaviour changes over weeks, though, it is worth taking a closer look at the overall picture. Withdrawal, declining performance and new circles of friends belong to this. A single warning sign is rarely enough for a judgement.

Honesty as an example

Children also learn honesty from their parents. Anyone who openly admits their own mistakes and apologises shows that honesty is possible. The BIÖG also stresses that teenagers learn through role models.

Further reading: How do parents raise the topic of cannabis properly?, What should you do if you find cannabis with your child? and Why do people who use cannabis hide their use? An overview is available under Prevention and youth protection.

What you can do now

1. Stay calm during the first reaction and speak concretely about what you have observed.
2. Give your child room to explain, and listen.
3. Announce limits, explain them and keep them.
4. If problems persist: the Elterntelefon on 0800 111 0 550 or local addiction counselling.