Why does listening help more than confrontation?

Listening helps more than confrontation when it comes to cannabis, because teens only talk openly when they feel taken seriously. Anyone who comes straight in with accusations or bans usually gets resistance, excuses or silence. Anyone who listens learns what the child is really preoccupied with and can then respond in a more targeted way.

What confrontation triggers

A confrontation often begins with an accusation: “I know you're smoking cannabis.” The child then often denies it or defends themselves. In both cases, the conversation turns to who is right. The talk becomes a battle, and its content is lost.

According to the BIÖG, moral lectures and sweeping judgements only provoke resistance in the child. Threats also strain the relationship and make the situation worse. A child with problems then tells less, even though conversations matter most at exactly that point.

What listening achieves

Those who listen get more information. You learn how your child sees the situation, which friends play a role and whether they feel pressure. In addition, the child notices that they can talk to you without being punished immediately. This is a basis for trust. The BIÖG stresses that parents' opinions and interest matter a great deal to the child.

Listening does not mean approving of everything. You can understand a statement and still say that you see it differently. The difference lies in the tone and the order: first understand, then evaluate.

Assessing the starting point realistically

Parents often feel their child is already deep into using. The BIÖG prevention page for parents counters this: statistically, cannabis use among 12- to 17-year-olds is more the exception than the rule. When it does happen, in a large share of cases it is about trying it out. According to the BIÖG, this too carries risks, so it is no all-clear. It does, however, change the tone of the conversation. Anyone who starts out in panic creates more resistance than someone who asks calmly.

Three techniques that open conversations

• Summarising: Repeat in your own words what you heard. “You mean that everyone in your class uses cannabis and you don't want to be part of that.” This way the child feels understood and can correct you.
• Open questions: Ask about what your child thinks and feels. “How is that for you?” or “What would you wish for?” lead further than “Do you use cannabis?”
• Allowing pauses: After a question, silence is allowed. Many teens need a moment before they answer. Anyone who jumps in straight away takes that time from them.

Questions that lead into conversation

• What do you think about cannabis when you see others using it?
• How are things going at school or in training at the moment?
• Is there anything you would like help with?
• What would help you if you are in a difficult situation?
• Where did you learn what you know about cannabis?

The last question is especially helpful. It shows which sources your child uses and opens the chance to talk about credibility. The prevention page for parents also offers talking points that suit such questions.

When listening is not enough

Listening does not replace rules. If your child plans to use cannabis in your presence, seeks out people who give them cannabis, or regularly disregards your agreements, they need clear boundaries. How to set family rules together is explained in the article Which rules make sense for families with cannabis?

Boundaries can be combined with listening. You state clearly what applies and then ask how your child understands the rule. That keeps the rule binding, and you learn where it meets resistance.

When your child stays silent

Some children only talk after weeks. In that case it helps to use short occasions for conversation, such as a drive to school or a walk together. Another trusted person can also help, such as an uncle, an aunt or a teacher the child is in contact with. What matters is that the door stays open, even if the conversation does not succeed straight away.

Conversation rules for everyday life

Talks about sensitive topics tend to go better when they do not happen in passing. Choose a moment without a phone and without time pressure, for example while cooking together or on a drive. Speak in “I” messages. “I'm worried because you seem tired lately” sounds different from “You're always tired” and invites a response more readily.

Avoid raising several topics at once. Anyone who talks about cannabis, school grades and friends in one breath overwhelms the child. It is better to have one topic per conversation and a date for the next. The BIÖG recommends showing interest, staying calm and positive, showing your own view and worries, and avoiding moral lectures.

What you can do now

1. Choose a calm moment when nobody is under time pressure.
2. Start with an open question and listen for longer than you are used to.
3. Summarise what you have understood before you evaluate anything.
4. At the end, say clearly which rule applies and why.
5. Get back in touch after a few days, without blame.

If you are unsure how to handle a difficult conversation, you can call the Elterntelefon of Nummer gegen Kummer on 0800 111 0 550. An overview of further services in the area of prevention is available under Prevention and youth protection.