What to do when your child asks whether you have used cannabis yourself?

If your child asks whether you have used cannabis yourself, a short, honest answer helps. You do not need to gloss over anything or dramatise. What matters is that your child understands the difference: different rules apply to adults than to people under 18. This difference is the core of the answer.

Why the question comes up

Children observe adults closely. When they hear about cannabis at school, from friends or online, they often want to know what you think. The question is therefore usually curiosity, and sometimes a test of whether you are honest.

A look at the figures helps with classification. The BIÖG prevention page for parents states that cannabis use among 12- to 17-year-olds is statistically relatively rare (1.3 per cent of young people use cannabis regularly). When it does happen, in most cases it is about trying it out. The health risks are particularly high for this age group, however, so according to the BIÖG it is important to respond to experimental use as well.

What you can answer

A good answer has three parts: the truth in one sentence, the rule for adults and the rule for your child. Depending on what applies, one of these sentences would fit, for example:

• If you tried or used cannabis regularly in the past: “Yes, I tried cannabis. I'll explain why I would advise you against it.”
• If you do not use cannabis: “No, I don't use cannabis. I'll tell you what I think of it and why.”
• In both cases: “Different rules apply to adults than to you.”

Anyone who lies has to remember the next answer. That makes later conversations harder, because the child then checks what you say. According to the BIÖG, you can keep some things to yourself, provided that what you do say is true, and you should not downplay your own use.

What the law says about use by children

Adults aged 18 and over may possess 25 grams or less of cannabis for personal use (section 3(1) KCanG). This permission does not apply to children and teenagers. As soon as minors are nearby, the law also draws clear limits:

• Use in the immediate presence of people under 18 is prohibited. The law states: “The use of cannabis in the immediate presence of persons who have not yet reached the age of 18 is prohibited.” (section 5(1) KCanG)
• Cannabis from home cultivation may not be passed on to third parties (section 9(2) KCanG).
• Anyone who hands over or passes on cannabis to minors commits a criminal offence. Passing on to a child or teenager by a person over 21 generally counts as a particularly serious case. The penalty is then imprisonment from three months to five years (section 34(3) KCanG).

In addition, cannabis at the place of residence must be protected from access by third parties, in particular children and teenagers, through suitable measures (section 10 KCanG). More on this point is in the guide under May you use cannabis in the presence of minors?

What your child should know about cannabis

The answer to the question about your use is the starting point of the conversation, which then continues. Afterwards your child should understand why teenagers have to be particularly careful. The BIÖG gives a clear reason for this: the young brain is in an important developmental phase. If teenagers use cannabis regularly, according to the BIÖG they risk their mental performance declining and their memory working less well. In the worst case, a school or vocational qualification is then at risk.

The BIÖG prevention page for parents also states that cannabis is riskier for teenagers than for adults. According to the BIÖG, its harmfulness depends on the age of the user and how often they use it. You do not need to exaggerate this. It is enough to say factually that young people are more affected and that different rules therefore apply to them.

What to avoid

• Playing it down: The statement “Cannabis is harmless, after all” is not true for teenagers, and it costs you credibility for the rest of the conversation.
• Threatening without explanation: Anyone who only threatens punishment usually gets silence. It is better to explain what changes in the body and the mind.
• Humiliating: A question about your own use is not an opportunity to correct your child in front of others.
• Defending your own use: You do not have to justify yourself. You only need to explain why a different rule applies to your child.

An example of a short conversation

Your child asks at dinner: “Did you use cannabis when you were younger?” You answer calmly: “Yes, I tried it a few times when I was younger. I would advise you against it, because your brain is learning a lot right now and cannabis can disrupt that. Different rules apply to adults than to you.” Afterwards, you ask what your child has heard about it. This keeps the conversation open, and you find out which ideas your child has picked up. A conversation like this often takes only a few minutes, and it is the start of further questions.

When a conversation should turn into help

A question about your own use is not a warning sign in itself. If your child's use becomes more frequent, their behaviour changes noticeably, or you are unsure how to handle it, expert advice makes sense. The Elterntelefon of Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550. The Sucht & Drogen Hotline has the number 01806 313031. You can call either number before you make a decision.

How to lead the conversation

1. Take the question seriously and answer briefly and honestly.
2. Name the rule for adults and the rule for your child.
3. Say what you think of cannabis, with one sentence of reasoning.
4. Tell your child whom they can turn to if they have questions or worries themselves.
5. Plan a second conversation if your child still has questions afterwards.

More on a shared attitude in the family is available under Should parents agree on cannabis? How a conversation without accusations succeeds is described in the article How do parents raise the topic of cannabis properly? The framework of the law is explained in the overview on youth protection.