What should I do if my partner uses cannabis?

If your partner uses cannabis, it can change how you live together a great deal. Three steps help: a calm conversation without accusations, clear limits of your own, and support for yourself, for example through counselling for relatives. This guide shows how to approach the subject, where your limits lie and when counselling makes sense.

What is your share in the situation?

You are not responsible for whether your partner uses cannabis. You can, however, decide how you respond to it. This distinction helps to reduce feelings of guilt and to focus on what is yours. What do you want, what do you need, and what can you bear?

Many partners slip into the role of controller, watcher or go-between. This can be very stressful and does not change the use automatically. A clear stance of your own protects you from wearing yourself out permanently.

How do you start a conversation about use?

Raise the subject in a calm moment, and avoid doing so in the middle of an argument. Describe what you observe and how it affects you. Avoid accusations and generalisations such as “you are always smoking”.

1. Choose a time when you are both sober and rested.
2. Say what troubles you, using I-statements.
3. Ask how your partner sees the situation.
4. Listen, even if you do not like the answer.
5. Agree on what you will keep talking about.

A conversation does not have to lead to a solution straight away. It is enough if both have heard the concerns and a next appointment is agreed.

Which limits can you set?

Limits describe what you will do when something stops working for you, and they protect you. They are no punishment for your partner. Consider what is acceptable to you, for example use outside the home, or that you do not want to witness use.

• No use in shared rooms or in front of children
• No driving under the influence, including in your surroundings
• No spending that puts a strain on your shared budget
• Your own time that you want to spend without use

State limits clearly and also act on them. Anyone who only states limits but does not keep to them loses credibility.

Are there rules when children live in the household?

If children live in the household, special rules apply. Under section 5 of the Cannabis Act (KCanG), using cannabis in the immediate presence of people under 18 is prohibited. This therefore also covers use at home when children are present. Make sure your partner knows this rule and keeps to it.

If you are unsure here, a counselling service can help you assess the situation. An overview of the bans on use is given in the article on the ban on use in the presence of minors.

When is counselling worthwhile for you?

Counselling makes sense when use dominates everyday life, when you are afraid, or when you increasingly control. According to the Federal Government’s Drugs Commissioner, there are counselling centres for people with addiction problems and for relatives in almost every city. There the focus is on your situation. Judging your partner’s use is not part of it.

Several routes are open to you. According to the provider, DigiSucht is free of charge and anonymous on request, and it is also open to people whose environment includes someone affected. According to the Drugs Commissioner, the Sucht & Drogen Hotline on 01806 313031 is also aimed at relatives, friends and colleagues and costs 20 cents per call. Counselling centres on site can be found in the DHS addiction services directory. In addition, according to the Drugs Commissioner, there are around 8,700 self-help groups for people at risk of addiction and for people with addiction, as well as for their relatives. There you can share experiences with others.

When should you act immediately?

If your partner expresses suicidal thoughts, injures themselves, becomes violent or gets into an acute emergency, you need to act immediately. Then call the emergency number or go to an emergency service. Your own protection comes first in such moments.

Even if you are afraid that your partner may harm themselves or others, do not wait. A counselling service or the police can help in acute cases.

How do you deal with money questions?

Cannabis costs money, and in some partnerships this becomes a point of conflict. Anyone who spends more than has been agreed together puts trust under strain. Talk about which amounts for use are acceptable and what the shared budget looks like. Write a short overview if that helps.

If you are financially involved, for example through joint accounts or loans, raise this early. Counselling can help you assess the situation realistically.

What role does silence play in the relationship?

Many partners stay silent for fear of an argument. Silence rarely helps, though. It tends to let problems build up and leaves both feeling lonely. A short, honest phrase such as “This is weighing on me right now” opens the door without setting off a conflict.

Make sure you do not constantly hold back out of consideration just to keep the peace. Over time this is exhausting and helps neither you nor your partner.

What can you do now?

Think about what you need in this relationship and write down your limits. Then talk with your partner at a calm moment. If you are looking for support, the article Online counselling or counselling on site gives you an overview. The article on dealing with people who continue to use also helps when your surroundings put pressure on you. The topic page Help and counselling brings together all the offers.