Why do relatives also need their own counselling?

Relatives need their own counselling because they are themselves suffering from the addiction of someone close to them. This applies whether or not the affected person is seeking help. Partners, parents, siblings and close friends often experience worry, guilt and exhaustion. Counselling gives these people space to understand their situation and protect their strength. This guide explains why your own counselling matters, what happens there and how you can find suitable services.

Who counts as a relative?

The DHS counts among those affected: partners, parents, children, grandparents and other relatives, close friends and work colleagues. DigiSucht names partners, parents, siblings and a best friend as people who can be heavily burdened by the addiction of someone close to them. The deciding factor is the strain itself, and how closely someone is related plays a smaller role.

The DHS describes how relatives often find it hard to gain distance from the stressful situation and to look after their own wellbeing.

Why your own strain matters

The DHS describes how close relatives often experience changing moods, aggression and unreliability. In this way, their lives too can be taken over by the addiction, leaving no room for their own hobbies and interests. DigiSucht adds that relatives take on tasks, argue more often, lose trust and over time feel powerless.

Own counselling starts exactly here. DigiSucht writes that its platform helps relatives who have questions about a person's addiction or who need support themselves.

What relatives gain from counselling

According to the DHS, the counselling conversation focuses on your own situation, questions and worries. There you can clarify which behaviour towards the dependent person is appropriate and what support relatives need themselves. Possible topics include:

• They learn to name their own limits clearly and to keep them.
• They recognise where they carry responsibility and where it lies elsewhere.
• They are relieved of the feeling of being to blame for the addiction.
• They plan steps for everyday life that are sustainable.

The DigiSucht counselling for relatives names setting limits, paying attention to your own wellbeing and not carrying blame for another person's addiction as central points. These can be practised together in counselling.

What relatives can influence

The DHS notes that relatives cannot force the dependent person into anything, yet they can change something about their own situation. DigiSucht writes that the will to change must come from the affected person, and that relatives are not to blame for the addiction. The decision about help therefore remains with the affected person. Relatives can offer help, but they cannot force it.

Where relatives find counselling

The DHS names addiction counselling centres as the right contact for relatives and those affected. The DHS addiction help directory lists around 2,100 services with contact details and areas of focus; ask the service whether it counsels relatives. An overview of the first steps is given in the guide Which service is the first point of contact for relatives?

Online, the DigiSucht platform offers counselling for relatives. It describes this counselling as anonymous and free of charge. According to the DHS, self-help groups for relatives are found through the associations of addiction self-help.

Self-help as a complement

The DHS describes how relatives in self-help groups meet people who experience or have experienced similar things. According to the DHS, taking part is free of charge, both on site and online. Self-help does not replace counselling. If you are unsure, ask the counselling centre which group suits you.

When children live in the household

If children live in the household, your own counselling is especially important. Relatives then also carry responsibility for the children. The Fachstelle für Suchtprävention Berlin (Berlin addiction prevention centre) describes children from families affected by addiction as being at high risk of becoming addicted themselves or of developing anxiety, depression and other mental disorders. It cites studies according to which around 3 million children under 18 in Germany live with at least one parent affected by addiction, in most cases because of alcohol dependence. Relief for yourself is therefore part of this. The guide How do I help children from families affected by addiction? shows how you can support the children.

Keep your own goals

A simple exercise helps many people: write down what you have done for yourself in the last four weeks. If the list is short, start small, for example with one walk a week or one evening without talking about addiction. Your own goals keep you able to act, so that you can continue to help the affected person and the children in the household.

What you can do now

1. Note what has been burdening you in recent weeks.
2. Find a counselling centre with an offer for relatives through the DHS addiction help directory.
3. Check the online counselling for relatives if an in-person appointment is difficult.
4. Plan a fixed time for your own recovery, even if it is short.
5. In case of acute danger to yourself or others, call the emergency number 112.