How do I protect myself as a parent?

When your child uses cannabis, it often affects you too. You are allowed to set boundaries, and you are allowed to seek help. Keeping your own boundaries is not a sign of indifference. It helps you stay able to act. The first step is to clarify your own attitude.

Clarifying your own attitude

Before you talk to your child, an honest look at yourself is worthwhile. What does cannabis mean to you? Did you use it yourself, and which experiences shape your view? Which rules applied at home when you were growing up?

The website cannabispraevention.de advises parents to reflect on their own attitudes and behaviour beforehand. Be prepared for statements such as “Cannabis is harmless, after all”. The website explains why cannabis is particularly risky for young people, and this helps you sort out your arguments.

Staying calm in an argument

A conversation about cannabis can escalate quickly. If you notice the mood tipping, a pause makes sense. You can agree to continue talking the next day. That keeps the topic open for discussion, even when it is hard for you to stay calm at the moment.

Phrase sentences in the first person. For example, say what you observe and what worries you, without judging your child. This feels less like an accusation and makes it easier to look for solutions together.

Setting boundaries without controlling everything

Boundaries are different from control. You can clearly say which rules apply for you, for example that you do not want use in your home. You cannot, however, monitor every step your child takes.

Legally, using cannabis in the immediate presence of persons under 18 is prohibited under section 5(1) of the Consumer Cannabis Act (KCanG). Permitted possession for adults aged 18 and over is governed by section 3 KCanG. This helps you set a clear line for your household. For questions about a specific case, contact a counselling service or a law firm.

Help for yourself

You do not have to carry the situation alone. The online counselling service DigiSucht has its own page for parents and, according to the platform, is free of charge and anonymous on request. You can reach the Elterntelefon of Nummer gegen Kummer on 0800 111 0 550; opening times and costs are listed at nummergegenkummer.de. Through the DHS Suchthilfeverzeichnis directory you can find counselling services on site that offer help with cannabis.

If you want to exchange experiences with other relatives, a self-help group may suit you. More on this is in the article Are there self-help groups for relatives of people with addiction?

Acknowledging guilt and fear

Many parents ask themselves what they did wrong. Such questions are understandable, but they rarely help while they remain unanswered. Counselling can help you separate feelings of guilt from actual responsibility. The article Am I to blame as a parent for my child's cannabis use? addresses this question.

Prevention: starting conversations early

According to cannabispraevention.de, THC disrupts the maturation processes in the brains of young people. Anyone who starts the conversation early has more room to manoeuvre before habits take hold.

What you may say in the conversation yourself

You may say how you feel, what worries you and which rules apply for you at home. You may also say that you cannot carry the topic every day right now. Such “I” messages describe your situation and leave the other person room to respond.

Terms: boundary, control and responsibility

A boundary sets out what you yourself do or tolerate. Control means wanting to steer another person's behaviour. Decisions about use lie with the person who uses. The distinction helps when you notice that you want to take on more than is in your hands. A boundary only works if you can keep it. A rule you do not enforce weakens your position in the next conversation.

Typical traps in everyday life

• You check bags or a phone without having talked about it with your child beforehand.
• You threaten consequences that you later do not carry out.
• You take on tasks your child should handle themselves, such as appointments or money matters.
• You talk only about cannabis and lose sight of the rest of family life.

If you recognise yourself in this, it is a reason to get support.

When a joint conversation is no longer possible

Sometimes parents and children stop talking to each other without anyone deliberately intending it. Counselling can then help by listening to both sides. You do not have to bring the family to one table before seeking support. Counselling can also begin without your child.

Planning self-care concretely

Self-care can be planned concretely. Set fixed times when you do not talk about cannabis. Talk to someone you trust. Keep appointments for yourself, such as sport or a meeting with friends. Anyone who is permanently tense has less strength for difficult conversations.

When you worry about your child's future

Worry about school, training and health is understandable. According to cannabispraevention.de, frequent use disrupts concentration, which can lead to problems at school and in training. This worry should turn into a concrete conversation, for example about school performance, sleep and mood. If your child avoids the subject, it helps to note observations and agree a time for a new conversation. Counselling can show you which questions you can ask without interrogating your child. Your own handling of alcohol and other substances is part of this attitude too.

It is also important not to force your child into a conversation they cannot currently have. A short sentence such as “I'd like to talk with you when you have time” often opens a door without putting pressure on.

What you can do now

• Write down what burdens you and what you expect of yourself.
• Agree on a pause during an argument and a fixed new appointment.
• Use ELSA or the information line if you need feedback from outside.
• Read the article Which rules help when dealing with cannabis at home?