How can I help children from families affected by addiction?

You can help children from families affected by addiction above all by standing by them reliably, being honest about the situation and saying clearly that they are not to blame for a parent's addiction. If you notice children in such a family as an adult, you do not have to solve everything at once. What matters is a safe place, fixed routines and a person the child can turn to. This guide shows how to recognize the strain, what helps in everyday life and when specialists should be brought in.

How many children are affected?

The Fachstelle für Suchtprävention in Berlin, an addiction prevention specialist service, speaks of about three million children in Germany who are under 18 and grow up with at least one parent who has a problematic relationship with substances. Mostly this concerns alcohol. According to the specialist service, about 60,000 children have parents who use illegal substances. The topic therefore also affects day-care centers, schools, sports clubs and neighborhoods.

How to recognize the strain

Children rarely show strain openly. Some become conspicuously quiet, while others take on too much responsibility and seem grown-up. Typical signs include:

• sudden mood swings or lasting sadness
• withdrawal from friends and hobbies
• problems at school, poor concentration or frequent absence
• sleep problems, stomach aches or other complaints with no clear cause
• taking on tasks that are too big for a child, such as looking after younger siblings

A single sign proves nothing. It becomes noticeable when several signs come together and last for some time. The Fachstelle für Suchtprävention in Berlin warns that children from families affected by addiction are at high risk of becoming addicted themselves or developing anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders. For this reason, it is worth looking closely early on, even when the situation first seems unclear.

What children in this situation need

Three things can help children in this situation: reliability, explanations they can understand, and the certainty that they are not to blame. Reliability means that meal times, school routes and pick-up times stay as constant as possible, even when there is chaos at home. Explanations mean using the word addiction in an age-appropriate way. According to DigiSucht, shame, guilt or helplessness are part of everyday life for many children of addicted parents. For that reason, state clearly that the child did not cause the addiction and cannot end it.

What you can do concretely in everyday life

In everyday life, small, recurring gestures often help more than big conversations. The following steps give orientation. They do not replace specialist support. They do, however, make everyday life more predictable for the child.

• Name a fixed contact person whom the child can call or visit at any time. This can be a grandmother, a teacher or a neighbor.
• Create room for free time. Sport, music, friendships and sleepovers at other families strengthen self-esteem.
• Relieve siblings who would otherwise take on the parents' role. Raise this openly and ask what is too much for them.
• Do not make the child a monitor. The child should not have to check whether a parent is drinking or using, or search for hiding places.
• Give the child words for their feelings. Sentences such as "You are allowed to be angry" or "You are allowed to be sad" help more than comfort without content.

Having conversations with the child

Many adults do not know what to say. A good start is an open question such as "How are things at home right now?" Listen without judging, and avoid speaking badly about the parents. The child loves their parents and otherwise feels torn. You do not need to have answers ready. It is often enough to say calmly: "That is hard. I am here if you want to talk."

Do not promise anything you cannot keep. This includes the claim that everything will be fine again, and the assurance that no one will ever find out when the child's safety is at stake. Honesty builds trust that holds even when things become difficult.

Schools and day-care centers as allies

Schools and day-care centers see children every day and can notice changes. Talk with the teacher or the early years educator about the changes you observe, and agree who the contact person in the building is. Specialists can prepare for this situation through further training. The Fachstelle für Suchtprävention in Berlin offers such training for early years educators, teachers and staff in youth welfare services. A child who has someone at school they trust has an important source of support.

When specialists should be brought in

Not every difficult situation is an emergency. Some signs, however, need quick help. These include injuries the child cannot explain, indications of violence, statements about suicide, or a child who is left without care for a longer period. In an acute danger, call the emergency number 112. Otherwise, contact a counseling service promptly that has experience with families. The guide on warning signs that need immediate help explains which signs call for immediate help.

What help is available for children

The DigiSucht online counseling refers children of addicted parents to the offer "Hilfen im Netz". There, children and young people find information they can read on their own. Older teenagers who use cannabis themselves can get counseling for young people. An overview is in the guide Where do youth counseling services advise on cannabis use?

What you can do yourself

Children can only be supported well when the adult caregiver receives support as well. Relatives need a place where they can voice their worries without burdening the child. The guide on your own counseling as a relative describes how to find that place. Questions about where your own limits lie can also be clarified there.

Prevention starts early

It can help when a child is allowed to ask questions and has a fixed contact person in their surroundings. For specialists from day-care, school and youth welfare, the Fachstelle für Suchtprävention in Berlin offers further training on this topic.

What you can do now

1. Write down what you observe, with dates and concrete examples. This helps you and any specialist you consult later.
2. Speak to the child calmly and without blaming the parents.
3. Name a fixed contact person in the child's surroundings.
4. Find a counseling service for yourself. The DHS addiction help directory lists services that offer support on cannabis and other forms of addiction.
5. In an acute danger, call the emergency number 112 straight away.