How do conflicts in family or partnership affect use?

Whether arguments in the family or in a partnership trigger cannabis use, or whether use intensifies the arguments, cannot be answered in general for individual cases. Research does not show a fixed direction. As a warning sign, drugcom names use that continues despite repeated social or interpersonal problems. In that case, it is worth looking more closely and seeking a conversation with a counselling service.

One warning sign from the criteria

According to drugcom, the substance use disorder is considered met if at least two of eleven criteria apply within twelve months. One of these criteria concerns the social environment. Drugcom puts it as a question: do you keep using even though your use constantly or repeatedly leads to social or interpersonal problems? If you have to answer yes, that is a reason to take the topic seriously. It does not automatically mean that a dependence is present. Another criterion is that important social or leisure activities are given up or cut back in favour of use.

Conflicts and their patterns

Arguments can revolve around time, money, household obligations or the question of how much use is still acceptable. Recurring conflicts often follow a pattern that can be recognised:

• Conversations about use regularly end in accusations.
• Appointments or shared plans are cancelled because of use.
• Use is a standing topic in the family or partnership.

Anyone who knows such a pattern can interrupt it more easily, for example by placing the topic within a fixed framework for conversation.

Children in the household

If children live in the household, special rules apply. Using cannabis in the immediate presence of people under 18 is prohibited (section 5(1) KCanG) and is a regulatory offence for which a fine is provided (section 36(1) no. 4 and (2) KCanG). In addition, cannabis and propagation material at the home must be protected by suitable measures against access by third parties, in particular children and young people (section 10 KCanG). More on this is in the overview of youth protection.

Conflicts in the family also arise because parents are unsure how to react. The article on talking with children about cannabis shows how this can work in everyday life.

How a conversation can succeed

A conversation can start with an observation; a verdict does not come right at the start. You say what you notice, for example: I notice that we have often argued lately when cannabis comes up. Then you ask how the other person experiences this, and give them time to answer. If the conversation tips into accusations, a break can help, and you agree on a new date. A calm moment in which nobody has used is sensible.

• Name specific situations and leave out general accusations.
• Listen before you answer.
• Agree on a pause if the conversation goes round in circles.

Partnership

In a partnership, use often meets different expectations. One side wants calm, the other sees use as part of everyday life. If such conflicts recur, shared rules can help, for example no discussions about use in the middle of an argument, or fixed times without use. An appointment at a counselling service that both attend can also make sense. What matters is that both sides are heard.

Relatives: control and trust

If someone close to you uses, it is easy to slip into control: searching bags, looking for hiding places, asking constantly. This can further strain trust. A more open approach is to voice observations and leave responsibility for use with the person who uses. Lying and concealing can be part of such conflicts. The article on reasons for concealing shows why people who use often stay silent.

When counselling makes sense

If conflicts recur, if you withdraw, or if use continues despite problems, counselling is a sensible step. You can reach the Sucht & Drogen Hotline on 01806 313031 daily from 8:00 to 24:00. The call is charged. If you are looking for support as a parent, the parents' line (Elterntelefon) of Nummer gegen Kummer on 0800 111 0 550 helps. According to the service, the call is anonymous and free of charge. More on this is in the article on counselling for parents. For questions about responsibility and duties, the article on responsibility for those around you helps.

What you can do now

• Note in which conflicts use plays a role.
• Find a quiet time for a conversation, when nobody has used.
• Agree on shared rules, for example for times without use.
• Seek counselling if the conflicts keep recurring. You can find a local addiction counselling centre through the DHS addiction help directory.

All topics on prevention can be found under prevention and youth protection.