How do I talk to my child about cannabis?

A conversation about cannabis with your own child is rarely easy. Many parents fear arguments, silence or the question of what they did wrong. Even so, the conversation is worth having, because it keeps contact open and shows you how your child is doing. This guide shows how to raise the subject so that your child is more likely to listen than to block.

When is the right time?

The moment often decides whether a conversation succeeds. Choose a time when nobody is under pressure and there is enough calm. Avoid talking directly after an argument, after finding something, or when one of you is tired or angry.

The place matters too. A walk or a car journey often takes the edge off the conversation, because nobody sits directly opposite. Announce the conversation briefly, so that your child can prepare.

How do you phrase the opening?

The opening decides whether your child feels attacked. Describe what you have observed, and say what is on your mind. Ask an open question that does not need a yes or no answer.

For example, the bad version: "You smoke weed, so admit it." The better version: "I've noticed you've been talking to us less for weeks. How are you doing at the moment?" The second version invites your child to talk and does not demand a confession.

How do you handle resistance?

Many teenagers push back when the subject comes up. That is normal and does not mean the conversation has failed. Stay calm, acknowledge that your child finds the topic uncomfortable, and restate your concern in one sentence.

• "I can see this annoys you. It still matters to me."
• "You don't have to decide anything now. I just want to know how you're doing."
• "If you want to talk to someone, I'll help you find the right place."

If your child ends the conversation, accept that and agree on a next date. Even an interrupted conversation is a start.

Which facts help in the conversation?

Factual information often works better than threats. According to BIÖG (cannabispraevention.de), the risks of cannabis for young people are particularly high: THC disrupts maturation processes in the brain, and frequent use impairs concentration, which can lead to problems at school and in training. According to BIÖG, people who use cannabis also develop psychosis more often than people who do not. This statistical link does not, however, prove that cannabis actually causes psychosis.

Explain these facts calmly and without exaggeration. If your child asks a question you cannot answer, say so openly and look it up together. Looking at a source together takes the edge off the conversation.

Which boundaries belong in it?

Clear boundaries give support, even when they are unpopular. Talk about what applies at home: when your child comes home, what you think about use in the household and what consequences rule breaches have. Boundaries should be realistic, so that you can actually keep to them.

Avoid threats that you cannot carry out. They undermine your credibility. Say which consequence you will take, and then follow through.

How do you end the conversation?

At the end, your child should know that they can talk to you, even if they have not said everything. Summarise what was discussed, and agree on a next step. That can be a second appointment, counselling, or simply the promise that you are there for questions.

Thank your child for the conversation, even if it was difficult. This shows them that speaking openly is not punished.

What do you do if your child shifts the blame?

Many teenagers say that others started it, or that use is not serious. These statements are part of the resistance and do not need to be refuted. You do not have to win an argument. Stay with your concern, and say that you are thinking about this because you want to help your child.

If your child provokes you, take a breath and postpone the end of the conversation. A sentence such as "Let's pick this up again tomorrow" takes the tension out without you giving in.

How do you stay calm yourself?

Your own state strongly affects the conversation. If you are shaking, get loud or only make accusations, your child feels confirmed that they cannot talk to you. A short pause, a glass of water and a calm voice often help more than any attempt at argument.

If you notice that you are overwhelmed, say so openly. A sentence such as "I'm really upset right now, and I want to talk about this properly" shows responsibility and makes room for a later conversation.

What you can do now

Before the conversation, think of two or three sentences to start with, and write them down if that helps. Read the article Facts for parents before you hold the conversation. If your child keeps refusing or you are unsure, a counselling service can help you place the situation. The Elterntelefon (parents' phone line) of the Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550; opening times and costs are listed at nummergegenkummer.de. The article Warning signs in young people also helps you sort out your observations.

Family rules for everyday life are in the article What rules help when dealing with cannabis at home? The topic page Help and counselling brings together further services.