Are parents to blame when their child uses cannabis?

Many parents ask themselves what they did wrong when their child uses cannabis. A blanket blame on parents cannot be substantiated. The BIÖG names many possible reasons why young people use cannabis, and from outside it is hard to say whether a single mistake lies behind it. Feelings of guilt do not help the child. This article shows how parents can sort them out and become able to act again.

Why young people use cannabis: many possible reasons

The BIÖG names as possible reasons: problems and overload at school or in training, arguments in the circle of friends or with a partner, other psychological strain such as depressive moods or anxiety, a circle of friends in which drugs are also used, and conflict within the family, for example through parents separating. Curiosity also plays a part: young people test boundaries, and it often stays at trying things out. Family conflict is one reason among many in this list. Which reason plays a role for your child can only be clarified in conversation.

The BIÖG also points out that young people learn from role models and that parents' own use of alcohol, tobacco or cannabis is noticed. For parents this means reviewing their own behaviour without reproaching themselves.

This also includes the fact that young people make their own decisions. Parents shape the environment, yet they cannot make every decision for the child. This insight relieves the pressure without removing responsibility for conversations and boundaries.

Separating guilt from responsibility

Responsibility means holding conversations, setting clear boundaries and seeking help. Guilt in the sense of self-condemnation helps little. Those who reproach themselves often speak less openly with the child, and that is exactly what the child needs now.

A helpful sentence to say to yourself is: I am responsible for the next step. I am not responsible for everything that has happened so far. This view makes it possible to act concretely.

What parents can do now

1. Sort out your own view: what do I know for sure, and what am I only assuming?
2. Look for a calm conversation in which the child is allowed to talk.
3. Name boundaries and explain why they apply.
4. Involve your partner so that you both take the same line.
5. Seek help before the situation becomes stuck.

Parents do not have to solve everything at once. A first step can be a call to an advice service.

Taking warning signs seriously without panic

Warning signs deserve attention. A single sign, however, proves little. According to drugcom, dependence is present when at least two criteria apply within 12 months. The negative consequences are also decisive, and the amount alone says little. If school, friendships or health suffer, that is a clear signal to seek a conversation.

Children often react to panic with withdrawal. Calm and clarity, by contrast, have a stabilising effect, even when the conversation is difficult.

Naming feelings

Guilt, shame and anger are typical feelings of parents whose child uses cannabis. Acknowledging them is the first step before acting. Those who name their feelings can separate them better from what needs to be done. A diary or a conversation with a trusted person can help with this.

Shame often leads parents to stay silent. This silence makes the situation harder for the child, because they are left alone with their worries. An open word about your own feelings can show the child that they are allowed to talk about problems.

What you can tell your child

A sentence such as “I am worried about you, and I am here for you” combines care and clarity. Avoid sentences that make the child responsible for your feelings. Add a concrete question: how are you doing with it right now?

When you set a boundary, explain why it applies. Explained boundaries tend to be accepted more readily than imposed ones. This applies particularly when the child is already unsettled.

Protecting yourself

1. Plan breaks for yourself firmly, and not only during crises.
2. Talk about your worries with someone you trust.
3. Seek advice if the pressure persists.
4. Do not carry everything alone, and involve your partner.

Parents who look after themselves can give the child reliable support. That belongs to their responsibility.

Acknowledging first steps

Sometimes it helps to look at what you have already done in recent months. Many parents have held conversations, agreed rules and sought help before they had the courage to speak openly about it. These steps count, even when they are not immediately visible. They show the child that the family is taking care of things.

Help for parents

The parents' helpline of Nummer gegen Kummer can be reached on 0800 111 0 550. The Sucht & Drogen Hotline can be reached on 01806 313031. Both services help if you do not know how to start the conversation. However, they do not replace medical treatment if health problems already exist.

The article on first steps when use is suspected sets out an order of steps. If you do not want to carry the topic alone, the article on self-help for relatives sets out further options.